A Ludicrous Idea

“Do you ever want to die so the shitty people who’ve wronged you feel guilty?” I asked, my hands gripping the wheel a little bit tighter than before. I’ve never said it out loud, but these past few weeks the thought has bubbled up in my mind on more than one occasion.

“Why would you want that?” he asked and shook his head at what was clearly a ludicrous idea.

“Cause it’s like that’s the only thing that’ll get them to open their eyes,” I shrugged. I wasn’t gonna let him diminish my thoughts.

“Yeah,” he started, his orange shirt nearly blinding my eyes as I glanced over. “But that’s not worth your own life. You just gotta let that stuff go.”

“Yeah, but since when is letting go an easy thing to do?”

“And killing yourself is easier?”

“It could be,” I answered without realizing what I was actually saying. This thought, like so many others, haven’t always been in the fore front of my mind. But I was starting to question so much more. Am I depressed? Am I suicidal? Do I hate the people who’ve hurt me that much? What if in the end they didn’t even care?

“Are you saying you’re gonna kill yourself?” he asked, his eyebrows raised above his glasses and a smirk on his face that let me know he was messing with me.

I let out a laugh and shook my head, “No, of course not. I was just saying.”

He smiled and turned up the radio as I kept my eyes focused on the double yellow lines whizzing by rolling tires. The darkness flooded the corner of my eyes as I felt the sadness weigh on my chest. I wasn’t happy. Why wasn’t I happy?

I nearly scoffed aloud at the question. The answers were all right in front of me.

I was alone.

I didn’t have any friends.

The boy in the seat next claimed to care for me, but I didn’t believe it.

My family tossed me aside.

The family I did have never protected me.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what I’ve done. It has to be me. If no one loves me, the answer lies with me, right? I can only blame everyone else for so long. I have to take credit for what I’ve done. And there’s only one, clear way to do so.


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